They say the brain is most active during the night.

It is 3:07am. I was exhausted and sleepy from going out the entire day, but now I am alert and unable to sleep. 

I originally typed up an extremely long entry of how much I dreaded school but the rant became so vulgar I deleted it :c

I'm not looking forward to school because I haven't talked to anyone from there for the whole summer. It's gonna be really awkward, but this is my last year in high school so I should make the best of it. 

Anyway, hey y'all how you guys doinn?

why am I asking this when I only have four people following this blog...

Summer vacation was all right for me. It was not that great but I had fun regardless. Sometimes it is good to have pain in your life so happiness will be more enjoyable. 

Life has been especially difficult for me this summer due to many reasons. At first I was really upset by them but now I am emotionless, apathetic to every obstacle I face. 

What problems did I face?

• Family: My parents are on the verge of divorce. Dad is trying to save the family but I feel like we're living in a fantasy world. We go out for dinner and shopping and everything but deep down everyone knows that this family is doomed. This is not even a family, we are just people who live under the same roof. 
• College: It is that time in my life in which I start deciding my majors and colleges. It is stressful, tedious, stupid, annoying, etc. I H9 COLLEGE. period. Fuck you college board with a capital F. 
• Relationships: With people, with my man, with friends. It is hard, it really is. Sometimes or often times I worry that he will leave me someday. I think this because every guy I have been close with has left me.

• My face sucks: I've been breaking out a lot lately. My confidence is extremely low. I don't want to show people my ugly face. 
• I'm sick: I think I have a kidney infection which is serious...I think. It was a simple UTI but now it has progressed into something more serious. I've been in pain this whole summer and antibiotics are not working for shit. My back has been hurting lately especially where my kidneys are. I tell my mom my back hurts. She looks at me and walks away. 

What I listed down is only a portion of the obstacles I am facing. Sometimes life disappoints me so much that I don't believe in anything anymore. I feel really depressed lately. I thought I was just overreacting but then I reevaluated my life, it kinda sucks lol.

Because I have so much shit constantly thrown at me, I do not believe in anything anymore; no miracles, no hopes, no trust for anything or anyone. I feel like breaking down often but I've never cried since my last breakup (maybe a tear or two but never the waterworks). .

You know, I think I'm depressed. Like I just don't feel anything anymore. More bad things happen? Ok, I'm used to it. 

The world is gray. People are gray. The sky is gray. That's okay though because gray is my favorite color.

Ok that did not make sense lol. 

I am digressing... 

No one knows how I am feeling. Not even my man,  I'm going to stop saying my man now, Colin knows. He probably knows I am feeling really upset since he's the only person who knows what is truly going on in my life. I wonder what he thinks of me. He probably thinks I am so troublesome. I try to visualize how people view me sometimes and so far to me, I am an annoying person.

Sighh, I never knew I would be the one to have so many problems. I read stories of teenagers who lead difficult lives (although I am almost an adult). Mine is probably not as bad... I am probably overreacting. But I feel deep sadness most of the time to the point where I dislike doing certain things.

Like what?

• Eating makes me angry. I can't eat a lot of things such as diary, salty and sugary foods, and caffeinated drinks because of my sickness. The true form of hell is when you have all the delicious food in front of you but you can never eat it. I also lose my appetite because of my sadness; I eat only one to two meals a day. I get full pretty quickly. My parents always bring up how little I eat. I get so angry, it is my business! I eat when I want to! I know they're being parents but I am almost an adult. I can care for myself.
• I sleep late and wake up early. I usually have bad dreams. You know what's really strange? I dream about things that are opposite of reality. For example, whenever I dream about my ex, he is evil and mean because in reality, he is the opposite. After our relationship ended, he was nice in my dreams because in reality, he no longer has feelings for me. This has happened countless times with different people and events. Therefore, whenever I have good dreams, it is actually a bad thing. So I have to have bad dream or if I am lucky, neutral dreams. 
• I don't feel like talking to people. I don't want to talk to my family. Well basically, I don't feel like talking to people in person anymore. I just want to stay in my room and wait until my life can be somewhat brighter...

Typing this up makes me feel more like shit. Maybe because I am getting sleepy, after all I woke up at 8am today. I actually had an okay dream. I dreamed that I ate something really delicious. It was some Chinese food and was the most delicious thing I have tasted. 

Sighh...may tomorrow be a better day.

It is 3:54am. Did I really spend almost an hour typing this up? Dayumm sonn I should sleep then. 

Good night, I hope you are having a better sleep than I do~ ♥

If you are having a tough time too, remember, it can't always rain forever. There will always be a rainbow in the end. Well some shit like that lol I don't remember got that off myspace lol :B